So, a couple days ago I was super sensitive and emotional and talking about how I feel like I haven’t done any “work” towards actual recovery, and basically just telling myself that I’m just a “sober drunk”. I’ve been thinking a lot about that (and everything else because you think a lot when you’re not drunk all the time), and I call bullshit!
I am recovering. I am taking steps to better handle emotions and things in general without alcohol. I beat myself up because I don’t paint (I’m an artist) as often as I should, or exercise, or eat right or whatever! That’s just dumb. I have never been able to do anything consistently in my whole life. I get super into something for like a day or week and then when I lose interest or just don’t feel like doing said thing, I get all down on myself. I talk myself into feeling like I failed.
I came to the realization the other morning driving to work, that I am making myself feel bad for not doing things that make me feel good. That makes no sense! Like, if I don’t go for a damn walk because I’m comfortable on my couch with my cat on my lap watching my favorite show, who gives a shit?! I am hanging out with my cat and relaxing and I’m recharging my batteries, yet, I feel shitty about it because I have placed this expectation on myself that I have to DO something.
I do this to myself ALL the time! I have to stop beating myself up over my own “idealism”. I am the kind of person who likes to do a lot of different things. I like to paint and take walks. But I have to learn that if I don’t feel like walking on a certain day, it’s OK! I don’t paint consistently, or write, or cook gourmet food, or play music, or practice yoga, or meditate, or lift weights. I do those things when the mood strikes me. Because I enjoy them. I have to learn that it’s ok to be inconsistent sometimes. It’s ok to go with the flow and do or not do whatever I want!
One thing I DO consistently is choose to be SOBER. I choose to do one of my many, many interests, or to sit and have a good cry, or watch a funny movie and have a good laugh. I am recovering. I’m not just a “sober drunk”. My path of recovery may not be the most common, or ideal. But, that’s just me. Nothing I do is common or ideal. I’m a crazy, creative, spiritual, introverted extrovert, and my recovery reflects that.
I set out in sobriety with the idea that I could be and DO so much more, and then I limited myself by expecting that I’d become a marathon runner or an overnight yogi. I can be and do a little bit of everything and by releasing expectation, I can be happy doing anything.
I think I just found the key to actual recovery.